can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
