Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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