just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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