Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
