: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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