i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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