my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
