What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
