I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize