I look better un-naked...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
