Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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