Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
