I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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