Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
