I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
