i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
