he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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