Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
