He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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