I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
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