I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize