i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
