I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
