would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
