I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
