the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
