ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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