its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
