im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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