Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
