I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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