You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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