remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
