Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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