i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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