My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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