I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Someone came in the potted fern
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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