I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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