i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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