I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
