Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Drunk is not a location!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
