thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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