I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
