I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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