Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
