someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
