Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
