My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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