Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it's like iHOP with fire
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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