My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
