i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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