i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
