I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize