Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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