someone threw a dead crab at me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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