remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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