I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
