9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
