I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
