If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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