Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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