I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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