so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
