oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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